Weddings are expensive. Upwards of 20,000 – $50,000. So, unless your wedding is to be at the place where I was raised, ($20 worth of buckshot, five cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a trip to the WalMart; set you back $150 total) looks like you’ll need an investment strategy.

Of course there is no bigger investment for the man than the engagement ring. This thin piece of metal capped by a tiny Huge clear rock basically determines your status in the world to her friends and plays a role in determining how many times you can expect to get laid in any given month. Essentially, this is something you want to get right, because you only get one shot.

Of course how to find out what your pre prewife wants in the way of finger decoration can be a cause for concern. Beating-around-the-bush and asking seemingly innocuous questions about ring size, carat count etc. is lame and really you are not fooling her anyway. The simple answer is, pay attention. As soon as you get that burning sensation in your loins desire to make her your wife, start observing where her eyes fall when she walks by the jewelry store. Instead of trying to pull her away from the “Hearts on Fire” display as you are walking down the street, linger a few seconds and use your peripheral vision (that’s right don’t get caught looking interested!) and check out what she is checking out.

One thing to be cautious of is taking literally what she says when she sees a friends engagement ring. Even if the ring is the most hideous thing on the planet, she will oohhhh, and awwww, about it. Five times out of ten, if you ask her what she really thought about the ring later on, she will bust out laughing or roll her eyes.

That means “No, I didn’t like it.”

Of course you could take the direct route. When I decided and not a moment before it was time to look at rings, I completely shocked the prewife by actually agreeing to go into a jewelry store when she made a passing comment. Not only did I surprise the hell out of her, but she also bought me a milkshake at Johnny Rockets afterwards, which has given me all sorts of ideas…

Over the next few weeks, I watched as she tried on ring after ring and tried not to wet myself when I looked at the price tag. Yeah, don’t let her see you sweat over the price. Rememeber, this is supposed to be a one time thing -marriage-. If she sees you acting visibly uncomfortable at the price, she just might dump you stop looking at rings with you altogether.

Look at it this way.

You are buying a ring that will last you her 40 years. So, when doing the calculations, divide the price of the ring by 40 and that is your cost per year. Now compare that to the cost per year of not marrying her and instead buying lame pornos or surfing the internet Spank bank. And don’t forget those “business trips” to Vegas. They add up too. In the end, the investment you make now will put out payout down the road.

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